Learning to deal with things that you cannot control

Where to even begin with my whirlwind of a week. It is currently Thursday and I feel like it has been one of the longest weeks of my life. I needed to take a break from laying around and the computer is definetely my first choice to catch up with the world as long as I don't do anything work related or something that stresses me out. After having 4 ultrasounds in the past 48 hours and leaving work urgently I felt the need to share what has been going on since now I have some relief that baby and me will be okay.

My week started at 3:45pm on Tuesday when I went in for my normal 32 week doc appt. I had to see a new doctor because we are supposed to meet everyone in case our doctor is not on call the day that we deliver. The nurse walked in and was all chirpy and took the heartbeat doppler to check the heart rate and minutes later I see the doctor walking in with an ultrasound machine. Apparently they couldn't get a good read of the baby's heartbeat so the doctor wanted to check and see what was going on. Turns out his heart rate was showing normal but there were still concerns and we talked about some symptoms I had been having like cramping, leaking, back pain, etc. Long story short I was examined, given a Fetal Fibronectin test and taken to a room to have a stress test. Baby's heart rate wasn't consistent enough and so they ordered me to go and eat some food and come back for a ultrasound. While I was at Whole Foods to grab the best fruit salad ever I found that I was bleeding and went right back to the doc's office. They said it was probably from the exam so I was reassured that it wasn't a labor sign or anything.

The ultrasound showed that everything looked good with baby and his breathing patterns were really strong. My cervix was also closed shut however it was thinning a little bit. After I left the ultrasound my doctor called me to chat about what had happened and told me that he wanted me to have another ultrasound in a week since my fluid levels were high as they have been to get another opinion. He said I could live life normally and that everything should be fine. He also told me that he would call me the next day to let me know the results of the Fetal Fibronectin test. I felt relieved that baby was doing well and figured things would be just fine.

Unfortunately the doctor called me at work on Wednesday to inform me that my test results came back positive and that he needed to get me into the specialist for an ultrasound this week. I asked him what everything meant and he said that the test results showed that I would most likely go into labor within a couple of weeks but typically these tests are inconclusive so it was really hard to tell. We didn't talk that long and I was completely confused as he told me that he would have the Eastside Fraternal Maternal Medicine office call me to set up the consultation and ultrasound. The only thing that I really did get from our conversation was his answer to when I asked if I could plan on working until July and he said "you probably won't make it that long" and I just starting crying there in my office.

I felt like I was left with no real explanation as to why I took this test in the first place and now what the heck was I going to do? Was I going to have a baby in a week or two? I didn't have anything for this baby not even a diaper in my house or a blanket. Thoughts and anxiety were rushing through my head and the only reassurance I had was that I would know more on Thursday at 11am. I didn't sleep well last night and I could feel my whole body just tense with worry about delivering a pre-term baby. I even had a freak out this morning when I found more brownish fluid and thought I was in labor and broke down that I wasn't ready. Little did I know that this is normal and my body is just cleaning itself out from my exam on Tuesday.

How the story now ends is that we had our appt. this morning which included a very uncomfortable ultrasound but we did get to see our baby's face in 3D which was pretty cool. The doctor came in and said the baby is doing great and weighing about 4.9 pounds however it is my body that is not being very cooperative. It is so stressed from the amount of fluid that I am carrying and how big the baby is that my cervix is thinning and my blood pressure has started to rise. I personally think my blood pressure is from the anxiety that I was feeling and nothing more but we will see next Tuesday. I was given some meds to settle my uterus and blood pressure activity down and have been ordered to lay low, relax, and de-stress. That means no working, working out or doing anything with high intensity. I also have to modify my diet to eat really healthy and treat my body well. The doctor might want to re-check me for gestational diabetes to see if I have developed a later case of it and that is why I have so much more fluid but we will see. He also tested me for preclampsia to see if that is why my blood pressure is high but I doubt we will see anything with that.

I should know more on Tuesday which is when they will do another ultrasound, Fetal Fibronectin and stress test to see if I am still showing some signs of pre-term labor and if my cervix is thinning. At that point I will know if I can go back to living life normally and not on the couch or if we will be meeting baby boy sooner than expected. All I know is that I am learning to accept that what I have been planning and been envisioning for the last 8 months might not be how things end up and that is okay.